All things about parenthood I heard while enduring 10 months carrying precious cargo. But there was a warning no one gave. One I couldn't even vocalize it until a friend of mine asked a week or two into having my darling Caroline home.
She asked,
"What's it like to be a mom?"
What is it like? To know that this tiny person depends on you for everything. To know that for the rest of her life she will look to her daddy and me for security. Comfort. Advice. The list goes on and on. And while they are true, there was one thing that rang truer than the rest, and it was the answer I gave.
"It's like I never knew God until I held her."
I have sang the songs and learned the verses. Jesus loves me. For God so loved the world that He gave His only son. And as I held that tiny baby in my arms, I realized how great a sacrifice that was.
Mary held a slumbering babe in her arms. She faced the same knowledge as I, that he would look to her for security, comfort, advice. That babe was given to her, the son of God. God's son. And He knew that His son would be persecuted and tortured, loved and hated, that he would suffer on the cross and die. My heart aches with the thought. And Mary, oh Mary. To watch her son go through so much. And surely as she saw him under the burden of that cross she remembered the first time she held him in her arms. A tiny bundle, asleep, nestled close to her. What strength she had.
This is also around the time that I stop to wonder if that's where the similarities end. Did Jesus have colic? Gas issues? Because I tell you what, if Mary got through colic and gas without gas drops and gripe water, she must have really been given heavenly strength.
The first few weeks I found myself in tears, frequently. I was overwhelmed. Not with sleep deprivation or disgust over my new "mom pouch," but overwhelmed with love. The love I had for her, for my mom and husband who helped me get through labor, and in pain for the mom's who have had to watch their children suffer. C is only going on 6 months, so she has yet to be lied to or have her heart broken or learned the evils of the world. But the quiver and pout of her lip when she's over tired, over hungry, or just having a bad day is enough to melt me. I would give anything for her to never hurt, but that's impossible.
And who knows, sometimes beauty can come from pain we've endured. Sometimes having to sit by yourself in the cafeteria gives you strength. Being rejected teaches you perseverance. In all things there are lessons, and God promises to turn all things to good for us.
Which brings everything full circle. We are God's children. The same way I hold my baby and want to give her the world, God wants to give us the desires of our hearts. The same way I want all the best for her, He wants for me. The same way I will set rules in place for her safety, He has already given to me.
The thing no one ever told me, is how much clearer I would see God and understand Him in the slow rise and fall of my daughters chest as she sleeps peacefully in my arms, safe and secure and trusting.
Just was we need to be in the arms of our Father.
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