So, I went and did it again. I recreated myself, improved myself, and...lost...myself. Ok, not all that dramatic, but maybe a little. Let me rewind.
Several years ago, I went through this period where I decided to live.it.up. I drank too much, travelled (without the husband) too much, danced the night away, and didn't think one single thought as to what it was doing to me, my husband, my friends, and the people we all know are watching from the sidelines. Honestly, did you know that people are watching you? It's true. And not just in a social media creeper kind of way, but in real life. I was making bad decisions. It all came to a head and I decided it was time to pull myself completely from that lifestyle. That was almost 5 years ago.
A year later, my husband and I found ourselves pregnant and stronger than ever! We had rededicated ourselves to finding a home church and things were looking up! Caroline, our little bundle of joy, is now a healthy, strong-willed, toddler. We have a fabulous church home that we love, a great circle of friends, a healthy relationship, and are working on accomplishing dreams we had put on hold or forgotten about.
But something was missing. I didn't know what it was, I just knew that something had left my life and I couldn't put my finger on it. About a week ago, a friend of mine recommended a book to me after hearing that I hadn't been able to keep interest in anything I'd tried to read lately - which was admittedly a poor attempt anyway.
Having just pushed to complete a YA Novel I'd been working on here and there for the past year or so in time to submit it to a writing contest (which yet another friend had told me about and half challenged me to work for), I found myself wondering what it compared to and I had no idea. I hadn't written it to fit a genre or to fill a specific publisher's call. It was an idea that had come to me and I just wrote it. The only book I've completed in the past year and a half was The Big Leap and that was for my Mary Kay training. A book about a young pirate, his curse, and a kiss sure didn't fit that as a comparable title. So when said friend, whom I've known almost my whole life, suggested a book, I went out and bought it. And I devoured it. Within 3 days it was completely finished and it had ravished my mind.
A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J. Maas, which you can find here.
I had to run an errand on my own and randomly put in an older CD, one I'd listened to years ago before I'd taken on the "Mom" Hat and refused to take it off. And I found that piece I'd been missing. It was in me all along, just waiting to be unearthed. The combination of a few simple things I just hadn't embraced in awhile was what was missing. Reading, writing, and singing.
You see, society gives us labels and we reject them or embrace them or don't even realize we're wearing them. But sometimes I think we box ourselves in to the idea of what we should be, or that we can't have anything we used to have because of who we've worked so hard to become. But some of the things can still fit. They're supposed to fit.
I quit listening to secular music because it wasn't as upbeat and positive as I personally needed when I'd first made the decision to go a different direction in my life. I'd quit reading books when I decided I needed to be a more present parent - or told myself I didn't have time, when I spend WAY too much time scrolling social media. I shouldn't blog because what could I possibly have to say? But reading those pages, heck, just holding the book, felt so good. It didn't compromise my beliefs. It didn't take time away from my family.
Listening to that CD and singing at the top of my lungs didn't make my worship this morning feel any less connected to God. If anything, it helped. Because I felt more whole, I wore my whole skin. God created me to be inspired by music and people and stories and love songs. God created me to create, to write. God created me to connect with people, to give a voice to what I've gone through and continue to go through. Why had I stopped?
Because I had decided what I needed. Sometimes we are so blinded by what we desire to become that we can't see that our stumbling blocks were put there by our own hands.
Now, I'm not saying go out and drink to oblivion and cheat on your significant other because you used to and it feels good at the moment! But, guys, we have to allow ourselves to enjoy every aspect of our God-created life. Am I now forfeiting my Shine.fm radio station, or K Love? No way! But if I want to pop in some Taylor Swift and teach the toddler to "Shake It Off" is that such a bad thing? Heck. No.
What part of you did you leave behind on accident? Thank God for His timing, He put each of these pieces in place perfectly one after the other! I'm still out here trying to conquer the world, but at least now I'll be doing it with everything I have! How about you?
